I think that I’ve become jaded. I’ve come to start thinking of every day as just another day. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, etc., all come and go, and it just becomes another day to me. It should not be this way. There SHOULD be special days! There SHOULD be reasons for celebrating and making others feel special. Just because I’ve been disappointed time and again on my special days, after lots of anticipation, doesn’t mean that everyone in my family should suffer! That is wrong. I suppose I’ve just been feeling sorry for myself…but I won’t go into that right now. Why have I started to think about this? I think it’s been in the back of my mind for a while now. Since we live so far away from everyone and everything that we’ve ever known, special occasions seem to be the only link. I’ve seen on others’ blogs and on family sites all the fun things that my sisters-in-law and friends do for their families—not even just on holidays and birthdays, but to celebrate little things, and I’ve been feeling a slacker. I saw pictures of my sister-in-law’s wedding, and I sobbed.
(Don't they look happy?? Isn't she beautiful?? I hope you don't mind that I stole this photo Rosie...)
I miss being with family—with people who know and love me and my little family. I miss being able to go to special occasions. We weren’t able to go—it wasn’t that we didn’t want to, or didn’t think it was that important, it’s just that Africa is rather far away from Utah; we didn’t have the $20K to fly out or the time off. I cried as I saw my sisters-in-law that I haven’t seen in years, or the nephew that we’ve never even seen pictures of!! I saw pictures of my mom’s graduation from college. I sobbed again!
(Don't they look fantastic??? *sob*)
I’m SO proud of my mom for what she’s accomplished! What an amazing lady! But I’m just heart-broken that we couldn’t be there for these two special occasions. What are we having to give up by following what we know is the right path? We know that what we are doing is the right thing, but it doesn’t make the separation any easier…for anyone, I think. I am grateful, though, that technology is the way that it is now. For if we had been sent here even 10 years ago, this blog wouldn’t be available, and many of the ways of communication would be slower and our separation would be complete and unbearable.
I find that here I am very lonely. There are lots of nice people, but in the words of Anne of Green Gables, I haven’t met my ‘bosom friend’ or ‘kindred spirit’ yet. The loneliness is making my a little lazy and selfish, I think. Isn’t that strange? Maybe I was already that way before (thanks, everyone, for not telling me to my face…) but it took being in my current situation before I discovered it. I think my biggest trial is going to be putting a fire under myself without a lot of outside help or influence. I’ve never had any problem with self-motivation, but now I’m finding it a struggle. I wonder why? I need to find ways to serve in the community now…it’s just a matter of figuring out where to start.
Another thing that is hard, is that not only are we ‘cut off’ from family and friends, but it feels as if we’re cut off from the church, too. We still go to church, we have family home evening almost every day, scriptures and prayer as a family every day, we even have home teachers…I guess it’s hard to explain. It’s hard to get anything out of sacrament meeting since it’s last and by that time the kids are uncontrollable—starving and tired. And the fact that it’s all in French and the kids don’t understand anything at all isn’t helpful. So, they don’t sit still, which means we can’t either. We just feel disconnected from the congregation. I remember feeling the same way on my mission. I could connect with people individually, but in church it was so different. They teach the same things, and it is the same gospel of Jesus Christ, yet it is different than what is ‘normal’ to us. I’m sure it is entirely our own fault and that we just need to try harder. I’m enjoying the primary… but I just don’t feel all fulfilled and uplifted after church like I used to when in the states. Maybe another thing that I need to learn in this lifestyle is how to truly stand on my own two feet with my testimony. I thought my testimony was strong, and my relationship with the Savior was healthy. I think it is, but it needs to be better. I think I’ve been depending too much on others to help me. Now’s my chance to make my testimony grow and my personal relationship with the Savior stronger all on my own—without anyone else to stand by and be my crutch—which is the best way. Although, I do have one person left to be that crutch for me—my dear sweet husband—and I think I’ll use it more! J I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is the only way to have a happy and fulfilled life. Thank goodness for the scriptures and the prophets who can guide us, direct us, and give us comfort no matter where we are in the world!!!
So, I hope you’ve all enjoyed my sad tale—-we really are fine. I just needed to vent to the whole world for some reason. Now I'm better. Thanks for listening. :P
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